Hi everyone, I'm just posting an update for my 5-month anniversary of getting injected with the poison.
I've been going to school for about four weeks. It's going pretty well; it seems like the Cerebrolysin helps a lot. I haven't been able to use it as much as I want to, but I just got more financial aid for school and ordered 15 10 ml ampoules. I'm going to school full time but not working. I've been getting good grades and going to class - I decided this was my opportunity to learn how to rely on discipline rather than talent. However, I had to drop my philosophy course because writing philosophy is like pulling teeth ever since I got injected with the poison. My courses are all super easy, so I decided that in my spare time I'd try to prepare for some exams that might help me get into graduate school. It looks like I am in pretty bad shape for the GRE Mathematics Subject Test. It's much more difficult than the Quantitative section on the general GRE. So I've been doing something kind of crazy: I've been trying to do every problem in the Stewart Calculus textbook to review my calculus. I've done about 500 problems so far since I started two weeks ago, but I still feel kind of dumb at math. I feel like I either know how to do a problem or I don't. I never have spontaneous insights or epiphanies anymore, and this worries me. Doing arithmetic in my head instantly used to be so easy, but now I have to like close my eyes and deliberately go through each step. It's like I'm smart enough for my classes, but I just don't feel "brilliant" like I used to, although that's likely in part due to not being psychotic. Not being psychotic is nice, because I'm able to work really hard. I also feel like Cerebrolysin makes it easy to work like a dog. But I can work and work, and certain skills just won't come back to me, like spontaneously thinking of clever ways to solve problems. I can understand math just fine, but it's like if I haven't seen a type of problem before, I just won't think of a way to solve it unless I think about it slowly and systematically. I really hope that this will get better soon.
I've lost 7 of the 9 kg I gained. I injured my knees by trying to jog too soon, and they hurt all the time. I feel like my body has just been disintegrating. I've been waking up with slimy, bloody gums and teeth since I got injected with the poison, although that is starting to get better. Sometimes I feel pretty down about all the ways that the poison has changed my appearance. Partly because I went from being psychotic to not being psychotic, I just feel much less attractive than I used to. I used to feel like I was like an 8 or 9 out of 10, but now I feel like a 3.
I feel like my emotions are at a human level. My boyfriend gets on my nerves a lot, however not enough to just break up with him or even say anything about it most of the time. I finally snapped last night and told him he was getting on my nerves. He thought it was super funny because he is patronizing like that.
Things are better. The waiting has gotten much easier because I'm able to live a semi-normal life rather than sit at home all the time. But there are some things that are definitely not the same and absolutely must improve. I'm most worried about creativity and abstract thinking abilities, as well as memory and ability to learn. I am enjoying not being psychotic though.
